I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
