I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
