yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
