I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I'm not the kind of girl that sleeps with someone else's boyfriend. But I'm getting waxed just in case I change my mind...
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
