if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
where does the pee come out of this thing
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
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