No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
