So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
Randomize
