dude i'm inner monologue high
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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