When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
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