i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
