Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
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