Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Randomize
