Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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