i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
