May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
