She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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