chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Randomize
