Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Randomize
