I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
