her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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