If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
