If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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