if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
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