trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
the girls would appreciate it if you invited over some drunk, single, straight men with low standards.
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