google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
i guess i called my mom last night. she wasnt nearly as impressed with what we did in the bathroom as i was
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
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