Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
She needs sedatives and a leash
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
