wrigley field is MILF paradise
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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