i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
