Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
Randomize
