I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
It was rough. I have dried puke in my hair and I don't know if it's mine or from the girl I met on the ground waiting for a cab.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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