you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Randomize
