and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
