I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
