Dude my mom stole all your condoms
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
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