Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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