I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Randomize
