haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Randomize
