Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
They're basically the Kennedys. This is the family I fucked in to. I'm so proud of my vagina as much as it feels shitty for my heart.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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