paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
