My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
Randomize
