Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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