You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
my being single is dangerous.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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