i hate that site..its like every vagina you dont wanna see
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
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