I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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