Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
My life has come to reading articles about dating an ex heroin addict. I'm doing well.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
