Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
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