just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
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