So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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