So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
