I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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