party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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