my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
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