Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
