I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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