drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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