Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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