She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
She ditched her BF in the library to come see me wasted at a house party and i still ended up banging that rugby chick instead.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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