My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Oh fuck. There is like a human shit on the sidewalk. I hate this place.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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