I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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